On being sloppy

I am sloppy. Nothing I do is ever neat, no matter how much I try. I can't fold clothes neatly. I have trouble eating certain foods. I can't do any sport requiring coordination. My handwriting is atrocious. It's so frusturating. The handwriting especially is annoying. I'm the only one who can read it, it's humilating if someone else needs to try. One time in English class last year we had to write a few paragraphs about somthing, and then do peer review with someone else in the class. I said to my partner "Can I just read what I wrote aloud, instead of you trying to read it? My handwriting is really horrible and I don't want you to have to try to read it. She said that was sweet. But it really isn't. Not wanting to have to watch someone have difficulty because of one of your more signifigant flaws is a desire born from pride, not sweetness. I didn't explain that to her though. I wonder if I should have.

Exchange students

My sister is probably going to have two exchange students over for the week of thanksgiving. She is friends with both of them, they are both female sophomores, from Asian countries ( Japan and Taiwan) I'm kind of looking forward to it even though I'm so bad at social things, just because they would be a nice change of pace to the normal holiday vacations, where I either spend my time alone or try to keep on the good side of my mother when she's getting stressed out by preparations. I think that talking to them might be easier then talking to normal peers, because there might be a definite short-term goal of the conversation, apart from the vague and insubstantial "get to know each other". It's easier have a conversation when it starts of with exchanging concrete information. Asking them about their countries, or explaining something, could easier than just beginning with small-talk. I guess what I really hope is that they find me likeable, because sometimes I wonder if I can appear likeable to anyone who meets me. Sometimes I think almost find myself unpleasant. But if someone can live in a house with me for a week, and still think I am ok, I might feel a bit better.

(Does this sound pathetic? I hope not.)

Edit: It turns out they will both be Chinese. My sister wasn't able to get the girls she knows best.

Doors

In school there are two sets of double-doors to the main entrance. For some reason one set is almost always closed. At the end of school today however both sets were open. Yet everyone was going through the first set to leave the school, despite it being quicker to have split into two groups. I don't know why the just chose the door they normally chose, maybe they disliked the idea of doing somthing differently than what the norm was for all the time they were at school. At any rate nobody broke out of the normal routine dispite a more efficent alternative having manifested. I was the only one to use the second set of doors to skip past the group going throught the first set. I allowed myself a few seconds of feeling smug.

Fairness

I have a weird obsession with being "fair". I say it's a weird obsession because I don't mean fair as in being just or treating everyone with an equal amount of respect, but a need to do the same thing for everyone. Last year for example, my history teacher would give out candy sometimes, as prizes for getting certain questions right, or similar achievements. I would always give whatever candy I had away.However once I gave someone a piece of candy I wouldn't give one to them again. I would have to find someone else to give the candy. I also try not to say any ones name in any of my classes, until I finally know the name of everyone in that class (which usually takes me a much longer time than others). If I use sombody's name, and I don't use somebody else's name, then I am not treating them equally, and things don't "balance out" for me. I can't offer a rational explanation for this behavior, it's just a weird quirk I have.

First Day of Junior Year

Things went ok. The schedule was confusing so I went to a class to early a few times, but that was only because they modified it for the first day. The teachers seem nice. One thing that's worrying is that the math teacher wants us to know every ones name by next week. I'm horrible at remembering names.

I remember last year when I was new to the school. The school had a thing called "New Student Ambassadors". A group of juniors and seniors would give the new students a tour of the school it help them get around. I'm have trouble talking to strangers and I don't think I was a very good companion for my Ambassador, a bright and friendly girl. She tried to chat with me, obviously doing her best to try to make me comfortable, but I'm not very good at small talk, and I'm sure I seemed aloof. We were supposed to exchange e-mails at the end, so I would have a "friend" to connect me to other students, but it was so awkward talking to her, that I refused embarrassed, by the thought of her trying to make me a part of the school community when I couldn't even have a normal chat with her. I suppose my refusal just made me seem even more aloof.

Now one year later I don't feel any more connected to the school. I don't feel like a part of any group at all. I haven't made friends there, and I don't have a sense of community with the other students. Maybe this year will be different, but I think it's just something inherent in my personality that keeps me detached.